By Schnoggleburger (name changed to protect identity of true author)
One day, while contemplating the Global Economy, Johnny realized that the income gap made it so that he could no buy test books for his Slovakian friend, Crotchy. This upset him greatly, and he consulted the Environmental Imperative to figure out what to do. The Imperative told him that his “view” of the form was incorrect and Crotchy’s happiness was greater than Johnny’s ever would be. As a Slovakian, Crotchy’s structural change of markets allowed him to purchase his own Crotch of All Flavors. Johnny could not afford one, as they were far more expensive in the U.S. The Imperative said this was due largely to Johnny’s homogeniality, and he should sue for Slovakian citizenship.
Now, a Crotch of All Flavors has two parts, its role, and its purpose. There is an exchange between these parts that can cause burning of the eye in some cases. But what really makes these Crotch’s unique is its patented “Flavor Dial”. This dial allows the user to dial in any flavor on the crochness plane. Possession of a Crotch of All Flavors with no dial is illegal by international law. Johnny asked Crotchy to support his application for citizenship. Crotchy gave him a form to fill out. Johnny filled the form out, sent it in, and was denied. The reason was because he had no skills or education valuable to the Slovakian people. Crotchy, who was not a native Slovakian, had managed to get in, so Johnny asked him how. It turns out, Crotchy was the original inventor of the “Flavor Dial”. If Johnny could come up with an innovation of that magnitude, he’d be in.
Having just found out that Crotchy was a scientist, Johnny broke into his lab. He stole plans for a digital “Flavor Dial” that had six presets. Johnny turned these plans in and became a Slovakian citizen. Crotchy became very upset and was heartbroken. He gave Johnny a nickname, “Evil Johnny”, and proceeded to write his own textbook so that Johnny did not have to buy him one. And then he put a contract out on Johnny.
The End.
(Transcribed from original writings by DirtyPjs, with the assistance of his pants)
This flowchart attempts to explain the intricate and often unsubstantiated relationships between Pants and Llamas, as overseen by the all powerful Jesus himself.
Green llamas blue,
A rock in my shoe.
Tuesday will come, but not before noon,
The pants wait for it to come,
But they have to wait outside because there are too many.
If the llamas come soon,
And send the pants to the moon,
Then there will be no pants for Johnny,
He will have only the rock.
There you have it! He’s the king of tailgating! Randolph is officially a pimp! Way to go Randolph!
*NOTE: No use of photo manipulation was needed at all to make Randolph look like he was having sex fully clothed with a girl that seems totally disinterested. It really did happen. Honest.
Man, this was funny! No idea if it was staged or not, but it was one of the funniest things I have seen in a while! Had to do me a google to find out what this “Balls of Steel” show was. Found this Wikipedia entry on it. Seems like it would be a show I wouldn’t mind checking out if it were ever shown here in the good old USA. I may just add Urban Sprinting to my weight loss plan…
Paco awoke the next day and had to poop. Upon visiting the toilet (which he had to share with all six of the acrobatic quintuplets) he discovered that it was halfway to diarrhea. Gross. But he was not deterred. He left a note for the elephant trainer telling her that he had secretly loved her, even if she did have the clap, and snuck out before anyone else was awake. He did not want to see them tortured or bribed or both by The Overly Large Retail Corporation & Spa®. He knew what he had to do. He had to keep traveling, not staying anywhere too long, and try to find a way to get The Overly Large Retail Corporation & Spa® to lose interest in him.
He went to the bus station where he spent the next 2.3 days panhandling, trying to get enough money to buy a ticket. When that didn’t seem to be getting him very far, he spent 2.3 days whoring himself out to other beggars. When he realized that none of them had money either and were promising future payment he would never receive, he finally spent an additional 2.3 days whoring himself out to passengers with first class tickets. But then he had enough money to get himself almost to Mars, had the train actually gone there.
He got a train to the next town. He figured that he’d stay there for a while, then double back, and keep The Overly Large Retail Corporation & Spa® off his trail for as long as possible. On the train is when the first dream happened. It almost seemed real at first. Johnny was there and was telling him that he knew about the plot against Paco, and had faked his death so that he could help him without The Overly Large Retail Corporation & Spa® knowing he was still alive. They had far more money and resources than Johnny and Paco, so Johnny had to be tricky. Johnny also confirmed the danger to Paco should he be subjected to the tests needed for his cloning. He then told Paco that he had a plan.
The dream had seemed real, almost too real. But when he awoke Paco knew that the dream could not be true. For one thing he had watched as they had cremated Johnny’s body, so there was no way he could have survived. But what really confirmed it as a dream was the fact that as he finished talking to Paco Johnny had begun to dance on a stripper pole, and had slowly morphed into the elephant trainer. Paco had known Johnny long enough to know that he did not have the power to morph into anyone, let alone Paco’s love interest. So Paco knew this was just a dream, but seeing two of the people he had cared for most in the world, and knew he would never see again made Paco sad and he proceeded to cry.
