Me and Joe Productions

Well, the exhaustive restoration project is now complete. The Pants Patrol was Me and Joe Productions first project, and was thought to be gone forever. A VCR ate the only known copy, and then for years that damaged copy was lost. But it was recently found in the vaults of Me and Joe Productions, and has now been brought to light in its new digital form.

The video is not of great quality, and not all damage done by the rouge VCR was completely restored. But here it is for your enjoyment. At some point in the semi-near future, work will commence on a Special Edition of the Pants Patrol, further restoring the original and taking advantage of new special effects. You may also want to check out the Pants Patrol’s official website, at www.pantspatrol.com.

And now for some current events! It kinda sucks how all your friends ditch you for setting off nuclear weapons.

If Llamas and Pants

Were like Jesus In France

Then Tuesday would be making me poop.

-DirtyPjs

This is Little J. Dizzle with the first installment of “Christian Chat.” During an escapade on the web, I found myself on a Christian chat site, www.churchusatoday.com. I began a private chat with “Sweetness81,” who offered to help me with some of my impure thoughts. It turns out that I may not have been the only one with impure thoughts! By the end of the chat she sure didn’t seem very Jesus like! It didn’t take much prompting to get her to offer sex advice to “a 17 year old boy.” Here are the interesting parts of the conversation. Enjoy!

littlejdizzle Says : Hi. You seem like you are serous about your faith. can i ask you a question?

Sweetness81 Says : absolutely

littlejdizzle Says : i have some impure thoughts about some co-workers, and don’t know how to fix it

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Wow. My new favorite infomercial is the “Dual Action Cleanse” staring Captain Pony Tail. They talk about pooping for an entire hour with a straight face. I love when he says “compacted fecal matter”. That’s funny. So is this:

“Slow infrequent bowel movements may cause fatigue, bloating and overall sluggish feeling. Colon Clear contains a proprietary blend of 22 fibers and herbs to enhance peristaltic action and support your digestive function (promoting 2-3 bowel movements per day). This natural action tones and cleanses the colon while eliminating unnecessary toxic build-up. Colon Clear delivers such ingredients as Psyllium, Alfalfa, Pau D’Arco, Oat Bran, and Lactobacillus Acidophilus in a proprietary blend to enhance elimination of built up toxins and waste matter.”
What the hell is “Scullcap Herb (helps to calm the nerves) and Slippery Elm Bark (soothes the digestive tract)”. My ass.

Sounds like you take this unknown mess of pills, crap yourself for 30 days, then feel great!

The testimonials say: “Until I took the dual action cleanse, I had no idea how bad off I really was.” You were probably better off before you started crapping yourself 2-3 times per day.

My favorite FAQ is:
“Q: I’m taking the recommended dosage of Dual Action Cleanse and I’m still not achieving 2-3 bowel movements per day. What should I do?”
My A: You should thank the lord that you are not in the bathroom at work 20 times per day “detoxifying” your butt hole.

Here is my chat with the “Live Help”:

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By the next Tuesday, Paco was feeling the burn. The burn of 200 suns, located in his right eye. He suspected that it was contaminated with elephant feces from when he had talked to the elephant trainer. He was still too scared to talk to her. He wasn’t even sure what her name was, and he was far too scared to even admit to his friend the bearded lady that he liked the elephant trainer. Then he went to A&W restaurant, where he received massive amounts of literature on Jews for Jesus. He was unsure how this fit into the rest of his day, or why it was worth remembering, but he didn’t care.

Meanwhile, the Overly Large Retail Corporation & Spa®, had learned of Johnny’s death, and began to seek information on Paco. They weren’t sure that Paco had lived, as the accident report was not very through and Paco was not even mentioned in it. But they needed his DNA, and would do anything to get it.

“Do we even know if Paco was at the scene of the accident at all?” asked one corporate yes man.

“We believe that he was, he witnessed the whole thing,” replied the other.

“Then he may have wandered off in a confused state.”

“We believe he may always be in a confused state.”

“Damn it! Then he could be anywhere!”

“Except Mars.”

“What?”

“We have conducted an extensive search on the surface of Mars, and he was no where to be found. There is a chance he is below the surface, but llamas are not known to burrow often, so that is less than a 2.3% chance.”

“Wait, you felt the first place to search was all the way on Mars? Not a high percent gamble there.”

“My psychic told me to do it.”

“You asshole, you’re fired! Get the hell out of here!”

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Paco was cold, hungry, and missed Johnny terribly. He has spent the days immediately following the accident wandering, exploring the bounds of his new freedom. But now he was lost, and unsure of what to do next.

He could sell his body for cash, or maybe wash windshields at busy intersections. He would be set for life if only he chose to sell his genetic information to Overly Large Retail Corporation and Spa®. But while Johnny had loved Paco fiercely, he had neglected Paco’s education, and as such Paco could not read a word. Johnny had also told Paco there were health concerns that needed to be addressed, but had not yet told Paco what these were. In fact, Paco was not exactly sure what Overly Large Retail Corporation and Spa® wanted with him, just that it paid well.

“Damn that Johnny!” thought Paco. This was the first time Paco had ever thought ill of his deceased master, but it would not be the last.

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Me and Joe is proud to bring you an introduction to an all new adventure series titled ” Paco the Pocket Llama®.” This series will follow a very small llama as he travels the world, searching for the meaning of life, discovering the secrets behind the death of Johnny, and trying to protect his genetic identity from The Overly Large Retail Corporation and Spa®. New installments will follow, but never on Tuesdays.

P.S. This is my story, don’t steal it.

There one was a man named Johnny, and he had an extraordinarily small llama. He had named it Paco, after his nephew Ralph. Paco weighed just under eight ounces, and fit comfortably in most pockets. This lead to Johnny referring to him as Paco the Pocket Llama®.

One day shortly after breakfast, there came a knock at the door. A man in a nice suit greeted Johnny, “Hello, I am a representative of The Overly Large Retail Corporation and Spa®. I would love to share with you our ideas about marketing Pocket Llamas® as this year’s hottest holiday gift.”

“But Paco is far too small to have intercourse with a normal sized llama,” Johnny replied.

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Dear all,

Prepare for the journey of a lifetime. The great and powerful Randolph had begun his attempt to take over the world, one full figured woman at a time. Each woman will be treated with respect, and subjected to Randolph’s “Love maneuver”. Randolph requests that each hour you bathe him in Natural Light beer, and smack him hard across the face. For your service, Randolph will present you with an autographed picture of his private area, and a copy of his books: “Ain’t no Jesus in this BH” and “IBS and you: Damn it burns!”. Get ready ladies, it’s go time!

An open letter to captain pants man:

 F you.

 Love,

Private Crotchalot

So last night I was at a sports bar, and saw this chick playing pool right by out table with a couple of friends. She was obviously not with the guy, and I was definitely getting a vibe. She was glancing my way and putting on a bit of a show. I didn’t approach right away, but just as I finally work up the nerve and am about to go over and talk to her, this dumbass goes over and starts chatting her up. No way I’m going to have the confidence to approach her while that guy is around. He’s wearing a trucker hat and is obviously a total fucker. But what really got me is that when he started to play pool with them, I noticed he had only one arm! Not to make fun of the handicapped, but this was all starting to turn a little bit weird.

The dumbass his totally hitting on her, and she is obviously not interested. She’s being nice though and he doesn’t take the hint. He is a total hick, skinny, and is getting no where. All he can accomplish is to keep her from anyone else. (Which sucks for her too, because my friend overheard her tell her girlfriend that she was really horny.) This guy is hanging around until her group leaves, totally taking any chance for me to try to salvage anything. She walks out the door, making a point not to look in my direction, like it was my fault some guy got in the way! So now she’s gone, and I have nothing to show for it except for a mildly humorous story about being screwed over by the one armed man.