Me and Joe Productions

Evil Johnny and the Crotch of All Flavors

 By Schnoggleburger (name changed to protect identity of true author)

One day, while contemplating the Global Economy, Johnny realized that the income gap made it so that he could no buy test books for his Slovakian friend, Crotchy.  This upset him greatly, and he consulted the Environmental Imperative to figure out what to do.  The Imperative told him that his “view” of the form was incorrect and Crotchy’s happiness was greater than Johnny’s ever would be.  As a Slovakian, Crotchy’s structural change of markets allowed him to purchase his own Crotch of All Flavors.  Johnny could not afford one, as they were far more expensive in the U.S.  The Imperative said this was due largely to Johnny’s homogeniality, and he should sue for Slovakian citizenship. 

                Now, a Crotch of All Flavors has two parts, its role, and its purpose.  There is an exchange between these parts that can cause burning of the eye in some cases.  But what really makes these Crotch’s unique is its patented “Flavor Dial”.  This dial allows the user to dial in any flavor on the crochness plane.  Possession of a Crotch of All Flavors with no dial is illegal by international law.  Johnny asked Crotchy to support his application for citizenship.  Crotchy gave him a form to fill out.  Johnny filled the form out, sent it in, and was denied.  The reason was because he had no skills or education valuable to the Slovakian people.  Crotchy, who was not a native Slovakian, had managed to get in, so Johnny asked him how.  It turns out, Crotchy was the original inventor of the “Flavor Dial”.  If Johnny could come up with an innovation of that magnitude, he’d be in.

                Having just found out that Crotchy was a scientist, Johnny broke into his lab.  He stole plans for a digital “Flavor Dial” that had six presets.  Johnny turned these plans in and became a Slovakian citizen.  Crotchy became very upset and was heartbroken.   He gave Johnny a nickname, “Evil Johnny”, and proceeded to write his own textbook so that Johnny did not have to buy him one.  And then he put a contract out on Johnny.

The End.

(Transcribed from original writings by DirtyPjs, with the assistance of his pants)

If  Jesus and Pants

Were like llamas and france

AND

Poop in my pants

Would give monkey a chance

THEN

The dog shall be free for all!

Randy Dance!!!!!!

If Llamas and Pants

Were like Jesus In France

Then Tuesday would be making me poop.

-DirtyPjs

Wow. My new favorite infomercial is the “Dual Action Cleanse” staring Captain Pony Tail. They talk about pooping for an entire hour with a straight face. I love when he says “compacted fecal matter”. That’s funny. So is this:

“Slow infrequent bowel movements may cause fatigue, bloating and overall sluggish feeling. Colon Clear contains a proprietary blend of 22 fibers and herbs to enhance peristaltic action and support your digestive function (promoting 2-3 bowel movements per day). This natural action tones and cleanses the colon while eliminating unnecessary toxic build-up. Colon Clear delivers such ingredients as Psyllium, Alfalfa, Pau D’Arco, Oat Bran, and Lactobacillus Acidophilus in a proprietary blend to enhance elimination of built up toxins and waste matter.”
What the hell is “Scullcap Herb (helps to calm the nerves) and Slippery Elm Bark (soothes the digestive tract)”. My ass.

Sounds like you take this unknown mess of pills, crap yourself for 30 days, then feel great!

The testimonials say: “Until I took the dual action cleanse, I had no idea how bad off I really was.” You were probably better off before you started crapping yourself 2-3 times per day.

My favorite FAQ is:
“Q: I’m taking the recommended dosage of Dual Action Cleanse and I’m still not achieving 2-3 bowel movements per day. What should I do?”
My A: You should thank the lord that you are not in the bathroom at work 20 times per day “detoxifying” your butt hole.

Here is my chat with the “Live Help”:

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear all,

Prepare for the journey of a lifetime. The great and powerful Randolph had begun his attempt to take over the world, one full figured woman at a time. Each woman will be treated with respect, and subjected to Randolph’s “Love maneuver”. Randolph requests that each hour you bathe him in Natural Light beer, and smack him hard across the face. For your service, Randolph will present you with an autographed picture of his private area, and a copy of his books: “Ain’t no Jesus in this BH” and “IBS and you: Damn it burns!”. Get ready ladies, it’s go time!

An open letter to captain pants man:

 F you.

 Love,

Private Crotchalot