Me and Joe Productions

Wow. My new favorite infomercial is the “Dual Action Cleanse” staring Captain Pony Tail. They talk about pooping for an entire hour with a straight face. I love when he says “compacted fecal matter”. That’s funny. So is this:

“Slow infrequent bowel movements may cause fatigue, bloating and overall sluggish feeling. Colon Clear contains a proprietary blend of 22 fibers and herbs to enhance peristaltic action and support your digestive function (promoting 2-3 bowel movements per day). This natural action tones and cleanses the colon while eliminating unnecessary toxic build-up. Colon Clear delivers such ingredients as Psyllium, Alfalfa, Pau D’Arco, Oat Bran, and Lactobacillus Acidophilus in a proprietary blend to enhance elimination of built up toxins and waste matter.”
What the hell is “Scullcap Herb (helps to calm the nerves) and Slippery Elm Bark (soothes the digestive tract)”. My ass.

Sounds like you take this unknown mess of pills, crap yourself for 30 days, then feel great!

The testimonials say: “Until I took the dual action cleanse, I had no idea how bad off I really was.” You were probably better off before you started crapping yourself 2-3 times per day.

My favorite FAQ is:
“Q: I’m taking the recommended dosage of Dual Action Cleanse and I’m still not achieving 2-3 bowel movements per day. What should I do?”
My A: You should thank the lord that you are not in the bathroom at work 20 times per day “detoxifying” your butt hole.

Here is my chat with the “Live Help”:

Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Thank you for contacting Dual Action Cleanse Live Help. How can I help you today?
Customer: Hi, I’m wondering it the DAC will work for me?
Sarah: How can I help you?
Customer: Well, I have a lot of digestive discomfort, and think it might be because of the toxins
Sarah: I understand.
Sarah: You may notice enhanced digestion once you start the cleanse. —(did she call it “the cleanse”?)
Customer: Ok, my main problem is I have a lot of gas (especially at work) and when it’s finally time for me to have a BM (only 1-2 times a week) the BM is pretty dry and hurts coming out
Sarah: You should start becoming more frequent within the first 10 days. Within a month, you should start to notice higher energy levels and clearer thinking.
Customer: My hole lower area is, for lack of a better phrase, all torn up, do you think this will help me get back on track and heal it? –(ha! i wrote “hole”)
Sarah: I do think this is a start.
Sarah: If you have any serious issues or concerns you should consult your physician.
Customer: Oh, no problem, I did. The Doctor said a bunch of things I didn’t understand. But i sure do understand the man on the TV and it makes sense to me. All I eat is fast food, and my body must be telling me that it needs to void it
Sarah: I agree.
Customer: Have you used the dac?
Sarah: No, I have not tried this product yet, but I hope to very soon!
Customer: Well, maybe we could try it at the same time and compare results. I think if you would support me through this I might be ready to try it
Sarah: That’s fine.
Customer: We could keep a log of of our BM’s and talk about how our bodys are feeling by e-mail or something
Sarah: I’m not going to be getting my DAC for a while.
Customer: how come?
Sarah: I’m going to wait until I can get it for free.
Customer: Oh, that makes sense. How long until then?
Sarah: I’m not sure.
Customer: Oh. But aren’t the toxins building up in your bowel as we speak?
Customer: Do you think i can wait too?
Sarah: I don’t think you should wait because we’re not experiencing the same issues.
Customer: Oh god. I’m getting the pain in my abdomen and hamstrings. I think I might have to do a BM soon. But it hurts so much. I guess I better get the DAC soon. How long does it take if I order it today?
Sarah: Shipping takes 2-3 weeks.
Customer: No! In two weeks? I think I better get it soon. Can I rush it?
Sarah: Yes. We have rush shipping available.
Sarah: It takes 3-5 business days.
Customer: Thank the Jesus. Because I don’t think my BH can take much more of this. It sure has been nice to talk to you, and I think that the only way my BM’s will be better is because of you.
Sarah: Okay, you are all set. Thanks for visiting DualActionCleanse.com.
Customer: Thanks for caring about my butthole
Sarah: No problem, have a great day.
I love typing “BM” to some unknown person over the internet. Go to http://www.dualactioncleanse.com and check out Pony Tail Guy. It’s hilarious.

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