Me and Joe Productions

Neeble-Tirps, Neeble-Tirps, oh how they run and play,
But can they see me here, with no clothes on?

My pants are on fire,
It burns when I pee.
I’d fly to Mars now,
If not for the fee.

The Neeble-Tirps come to play at my feet,
But do they see me standing there, waiting for Johnny?

Tuesday will come,
Friday has past.
My llama has sex,
But just not with me.

Neeble-Tirps now go, as fast as can be,
They know not of Johnny, but do they know me?

Johnny is dead,
Buried under the tree,
No one will visit him,
But the Neeble-Tirps and me.

Check out this very well done video of classic album covers! Its enough to make my eye burn! I give it 2.3 llamas out of a possible 2.3 llamas.

Paco awoke the next day and had to poop. Upon visiting the toilet (which he had to share with all six of the acrobatic quintuplets) he discovered that it was halfway to diarrhea. Gross. But he was not deterred. He left a note for the elephant trainer telling her that he had secretly loved her, even if she did have the clap, and snuck out before anyone else was awake. He did not want to see them tortured or bribed or both by The Overly Large Retail Corporation & Spa®. He knew what he had to do. He had to keep traveling, not staying anywhere too long, and try to find a way to get The Overly Large Retail Corporation & Spa® to lose interest in him.

He went to the bus station where he spent the next 2.3 days panhandling, trying to get enough money to buy a ticket. When that didn’t seem to be getting him very far, he spent 2.3 days whoring himself out to other beggars. When he realized that none of them had money either and were promising future payment he would never receive, he finally spent an additional 2.3 days whoring himself out to passengers with first class tickets. But then he had enough money to get himself almost to Mars, had the train actually gone there.

He got a train to the next town. He figured that he’d stay there for a while, then double back, and keep The Overly Large Retail Corporation & Spa® off his trail for as long as possible. On the train is when the first dream happened. It almost seemed real at first. Johnny was there and was telling him that he knew about the plot against Paco, and had faked his death so that he could help him without The Overly Large Retail Corporation & Spa® knowing he was still alive. They had far more money and resources than Johnny and Paco, so Johnny had to be tricky. Johnny also confirmed the danger to Paco should he be subjected to the tests needed for his cloning. He then told Paco that he had a plan.

The dream had seemed real, almost too real. But when he awoke Paco knew that the dream could not be true. For one thing he had watched as they had cremated Johnny’s body, so there was no way he could have survived. But what really confirmed it as a dream was the fact that as he finished talking to Paco Johnny had begun to dance on a stripper pole, and had slowly morphed into the elephant trainer. Paco had known Johnny long enough to know that he did not have the power to morph into anyone, let alone Paco’s love interest. So Paco knew this was just a dream, but seeing two of the people he had cared for most in the world, and knew he would never see again made Paco sad and he proceeded to cry.

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Well, the exhaustive restoration project is now complete. The Pants Patrol was Me and Joe Productions first project, and was thought to be gone forever. A VCR ate the only known copy, and then for years that damaged copy was lost. But it was recently found in the vaults of Me and Joe Productions, and has now been brought to light in its new digital form.

The video is not of great quality, and not all damage done by the rouge VCR was completely restored. But here it is for your enjoyment. At some point in the semi-near future, work will commence on a Special Edition of the Pants Patrol, further restoring the original and taking advantage of new special effects. You may also want to check out the Pants Patrol’s official website, at www.pantspatrol.com.

And now for some current events! It kinda sucks how all your friends ditch you for setting off nuclear weapons.

If Llamas and Pants

Were like Jesus In France

Then Tuesday would be making me poop.

-DirtyPjs

This is Little J. Dizzle with the first installment of “Christian Chat.” During an escapade on the web, I found myself on a Christian chat site, www.churchusatoday.com. I began a private chat with “Sweetness81,” who offered to help me with some of my impure thoughts. It turns out that I may not have been the only one with impure thoughts! By the end of the chat she sure didn’t seem very Jesus like! It didn’t take much prompting to get her to offer sex advice to “a 17 year old boy.” Here are the interesting parts of the conversation. Enjoy!

littlejdizzle Says : Hi. You seem like you are serous about your faith. can i ask you a question?

Sweetness81 Says : absolutely

littlejdizzle Says : i have some impure thoughts about some co-workers, and don’t know how to fix it

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Wow. My new favorite infomercial is the “Dual Action Cleanse” staring Captain Pony Tail. They talk about pooping for an entire hour with a straight face. I love when he says “compacted fecal matter”. That’s funny. So is this:

“Slow infrequent bowel movements may cause fatigue, bloating and overall sluggish feeling. Colon Clear contains a proprietary blend of 22 fibers and herbs to enhance peristaltic action and support your digestive function (promoting 2-3 bowel movements per day). This natural action tones and cleanses the colon while eliminating unnecessary toxic build-up. Colon Clear delivers such ingredients as Psyllium, Alfalfa, Pau D’Arco, Oat Bran, and Lactobacillus Acidophilus in a proprietary blend to enhance elimination of built up toxins and waste matter.”
What the hell is “Scullcap Herb (helps to calm the nerves) and Slippery Elm Bark (soothes the digestive tract)”. My ass.

Sounds like you take this unknown mess of pills, crap yourself for 30 days, then feel great!

The testimonials say: “Until I took the dual action cleanse, I had no idea how bad off I really was.” You were probably better off before you started crapping yourself 2-3 times per day.

My favorite FAQ is:
“Q: I’m taking the recommended dosage of Dual Action Cleanse and I’m still not achieving 2-3 bowel movements per day. What should I do?”
My A: You should thank the lord that you are not in the bathroom at work 20 times per day “detoxifying” your butt hole.

Here is my chat with the “Live Help”:

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By the next Tuesday, Paco was feeling the burn. The burn of 200 suns, located in his right eye. He suspected that it was contaminated with elephant feces from when he had talked to the elephant trainer. He was still too scared to talk to her. He wasn’t even sure what her name was, and he was far too scared to even admit to his friend the bearded lady that he liked the elephant trainer. Then he went to A&W restaurant, where he received massive amounts of literature on Jews for Jesus. He was unsure how this fit into the rest of his day, or why it was worth remembering, but he didn’t care.

Meanwhile, the Overly Large Retail Corporation & Spa®, had learned of Johnny’s death, and began to seek information on Paco. They weren’t sure that Paco had lived, as the accident report was not very through and Paco was not even mentioned in it. But they needed his DNA, and would do anything to get it.

“Do we even know if Paco was at the scene of the accident at all?” asked one corporate yes man.

“We believe that he was, he witnessed the whole thing,” replied the other.

“Then he may have wandered off in a confused state.”

“We believe he may always be in a confused state.”

“Damn it! Then he could be anywhere!”

“Except Mars.”

“What?”

“We have conducted an extensive search on the surface of Mars, and he was no where to be found. There is a chance he is below the surface, but llamas are not known to burrow often, so that is less than a 2.3% chance.”

“Wait, you felt the first place to search was all the way on Mars? Not a high percent gamble there.”

“My psychic told me to do it.”

“You asshole, you’re fired! Get the hell out of here!”

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Paco was cold, hungry, and missed Johnny terribly. He has spent the days immediately following the accident wandering, exploring the bounds of his new freedom. But now he was lost, and unsure of what to do next.

He could sell his body for cash, or maybe wash windshields at busy intersections. He would be set for life if only he chose to sell his genetic information to Overly Large Retail Corporation and Spa®. But while Johnny had loved Paco fiercely, he had neglected Paco’s education, and as such Paco could not read a word. Johnny had also told Paco there were health concerns that needed to be addressed, but had not yet told Paco what these were. In fact, Paco was not exactly sure what Overly Large Retail Corporation and Spa® wanted with him, just that it paid well.

“Damn that Johnny!” thought Paco. This was the first time Paco had ever thought ill of his deceased master, but it would not be the last.

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Me and Joe is proud to bring you an introduction to an all new adventure series titled ” Paco the Pocket Llama®.” This series will follow a very small llama as he travels the world, searching for the meaning of life, discovering the secrets behind the death of Johnny, and trying to protect his genetic identity from The Overly Large Retail Corporation and Spa®. New installments will follow, but never on Tuesdays.

P.S. This is my story, don’t steal it.

There one was a man named Johnny, and he had an extraordinarily small llama. He had named it Paco, after his nephew Ralph. Paco weighed just under eight ounces, and fit comfortably in most pockets. This lead to Johnny referring to him as Paco the Pocket Llama®.

One day shortly after breakfast, there came a knock at the door. A man in a nice suit greeted Johnny, “Hello, I am a representative of The Overly Large Retail Corporation and Spa®. I would love to share with you our ideas about marketing Pocket Llamas® as this year’s hottest holiday gift.”

“But Paco is far too small to have intercourse with a normal sized llama,” Johnny replied.

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